Ten years, one decade, double digits, everybody. Is that long enough that we can start talking about all my gray hairs yet? Can we get real about this? This is my Christmas card from 2014 everybody. This is what I looked like 10 years ago. Can I ask the guys in the tech room to zoom in on that beard? I mean, what happened to me, everybody? What happened to me? Sometimes I meet other guys here at the church. I'm like, Bro, wait a minute. How old are you and the guys my age? And I'm like, bro, the years have been much kinder to you than they have to me. I mean, what's been going on? See, as a pastor here in Huntington Beach, not only do I preach here when we have services on Saturday night or Sunday morning, but this is what a pastor really is. A pastor, another word you could say, a shepherd. A pastor is someone who cares. And so, you don't just feed the sheep of the Lord Jesus by preaching the Word to them. And that's important that we preach the Word of the Lord needs to sound forth. The Gospel needs to ring out. But also, it works another way, where people are having problems, people are having challenges. And so, sometimes they come for help. They come seeking counsel, like they know they need to hear from God, but they don't know exactly where to go, and so they come to church looking for help. And so, that's something I do as a pastor, is I meet with people like almost every day here at the church. I'm meeting with many different people. I've had more meetings over the last ten years than I can even remember. Some of them I would even want to remember, because there has been a lot of conflict. And people come for marriage counseling, and people come for family counseling, people who seem very nice at church on Sunday, and they cannot get along with one another. They cannot resolve the conflict. And so, sometimes, I get brought in almost, maybe as a mediator, or somebody who's here to kind of help resolve the conflict, and come to the table of reconciliation. And let's talk about this. And wow, I have experienced some gray hairs through doing that, and there is a lot going on that maybe you don't see on a Sunday morning, but it's happening in your home. It's happening in your extended family. It's happening maybe even in your fellowship group; with people you're having a hard time responding to. And so, on our 10th birthday weekend, I want to actually take a step into the counseling room with you and share some of the things that I've learned talking with people over the last ten years, because it goes along with Romans chapter 12, verses 17 to 18.
So, I want to invite everybody, if you could open up your Bible and turn with me to Romans 12:17-18. These are very practical verses that could change the way you live your life. And so, I really want to encourage you to pay close attention to these two verses here. And out of respect for God's Word, I would like everybody to stand up for the public reading of Scripture, and I hope you will give this your full and undivided attention, because this is the Word of God, Romans, chapter 12, verses 17 and 18.
Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
Please go ahead and have your seat. So, I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but people are going to do evil to you. Someone is going to do something they should not do. They're going to say something they should not say, and they're going to do it to you. And when evil inevitably comes, and it has come and it will come, how are you going to respond? Because what comes naturally to us and what the spirit of our age says we should do; I mean, the spirit of our age is to shift the blame, like, the reason you said what you said is because of what they said. The reason you did what you did, it's because of what they did, and it's almost like the evil that they did justified you now doing evil back to them. And they're the one who made me angry, and it's not my fault. I'm a victim of my environment, and I'm angry because of you. That's what the world is saying. And today, we have now come to God's Word to get our minds renewed, and God is telling you that evil will be done to you, and when evil is done to you, don't repay anyone evil for evil. Never once use evil as a justification for your own evil back. Don't settle the score. Don't try to make it right. Don't try to make it fair; repay no one evil for evil. This is something we need to think about, because it comes very naturally for us to say, well, because they said this, boom, here I go. And what the Scripture is saying is, no, that's not how it works.
Let's think what God's will is, what is good, what is acceptable. Don't think the way you maybe naturally think, or the way the culture is telling you to think. Get your mind right. And when they do evil to you, don't repay that evil back to them. Here's what the Scripture is teaching us. This is a very important principle.
Point number one, and I want to encourage you to take notes, because you're going to be involved in some conflict, and this could really help you. So, we have a handout there in your bulletin. You might want to write some of these things down, verses that come up, maybe not when I'm preaching, but when I'm talking to people in these meetings. I'm going to share some verses with you that come up all the time. Point number one, let's get it down like this: “You are responsible for your response.” You are responsible for your response. When they do that thing that is evil, it's wrong. They shouldn't have done it. And when they say, when they speak to you in that way, and they say those hurtful words, and they cut you down, words that tear down, they don't build up, somebody says something evil to you, God is going to judge you and hold you accountable for how you respond to them. You cannot blame-shift your response onto what they did. You need to own what you do yourself. You need to be responsible for your own actions, just because evil is done to you. I hope that some of you will leave here today so set free. I hope to remove some burdens from some of you. Because guess what? When they say that to you, you don't have to say anything back to them. You don't have to feel that burden. You don't have to try to make it right or make it even. You can just do what you should do.
This is very important see, because here's the choice that you're making when someone does something evil to you, if you fire back, that's going to escalate the conflict. Most people don't have one problem. They have two problems because they don't just have the problem that got it started, they have what they then did in response, and then it escalates. And I've been in some meetings where it escalates very quickly. I've been able to watch some people. The argument they've been having at home, the argument that they had in their fellowship group. Well now they're just having it right there in my office. They're just having it in this meeting room here at the church, and they are just firing, and all of a sudden they're saying words they shouldn't say. They're using a tone of voice they shouldn't be using. They're not talking to this other person like they care about them anymore. Like, whoa. That escalated quickly. Okay, so you can see we're going to talk about ways that conflict escalates, and then we're going to talk about how to deescalate conflict. So, let me give you the three things that I'm observing of how the conflict increases, and you can just write them out here to the right.
Number one is, here's if you want a conflict to escalate, here's all you’ve got to do. Number one: “Point out the other person's evil.” Point it out. Point out someone else's evil. Just say, well, here's what you did. Just get fixated on the wrong thing they said, and just start saying, well, let me tell you what you did wrong. And you'll feel very right when you're telling the other person what they did wrong. Hey, you shouldn't have said that. You shouldn't have done that. And now the tunnel vision begins, and you just start looking at what that person has done, and you want to say, well, and all of a sudden, you're a judge. And it's amazing to me how in these moments people have perfect recall. Have you ever been in an argument like that, like all of a sudden their memory is not just hazy or foggy. Their memory is perfect. And I remember exactly where you were and exactly what you said and exactly the tone of voice, and you looked at me a certain way, that I remember. Well, what about you? What did you do? Oh, I can't seem to recall what I said or what I did, but you are right. And all of a sudden, I've got a 4k movie of what you did. There's a big haze over here on my part, but you can see it. And then here's what happens, trust me, I've been there. Here's what happens is the ledger comes out. The record of wrongs is revealed almost like they've got a note they've been keeping on their tablet for years. In fact, in 2012 in the ninth month you did this same thing. In fact, this is the 12th anniversary of when you did this for the first time. Right? Does anybody want to say amen at this point, right? It was the third day of our honeymoon when you said this, right? I mean, it's like this whole thing started because I thought you were going to do the dishes, and you thought I was going to do the dishes, and now we're like, in front of my mom and my sister, you said this, and I've never forgotten, right? We need to crank up the AC in some of these meetings that I'm having around here, right? Sometimes it's like, can I feel the gray hair getting started? Like, how long is this list that you have to present to us of things that have been done wrong to you, and then there's like, this dangerous turn that happens, and you did that to punish me. You did that. Now, not only can I clearly see what you did, not only can I remember how many times you've done it, now I know why you did it. Now I'm actually sitting as the judge of your heart, and I can see not only the evil you said, not only the evil you did, I can see the complete evil of your motives. And I want to tell you how evil you really are.
Let's get this down for number two: “You keep a record of wrongs, or you judge their motives.” And you start to convince yourself that they have this malicious intent to hurt you, that they are coming after you, to destroy you, to break you down, to get you to submit to their will, to assert themselves over you. You are now accusing them of not just doing evil things, but of having vile and sinister intentions. And so, you’ve got to be careful, because when you start to escalate conflict, it's like it can know no bounds, the things that people say. And then eventually, I mean, it just erupts like a volcano. And eventually, people are talking at a volume that they do not need to be talking at. People are now speaking with an intensity like I will prove that I'm right to you. I will win this argument. And people start saying words that are not for polite company, words that should not be said really in any situation, we're now spewing them forth.
And point number three, here's what it is: “Go NUCLEAR (Bomb or Submarine),” is what happens. I mean, you realize that they've launched their arsenal at you, and you break out the launch codes, because if you're blowing me up, I'm taking you down with me. It is the idea. Now, some of you are thinking, oh no, I thought we were going to have a celebratory sermon. This is starting to sound convicting. This isn't the birthday party I thought I was going to today, right? And some of you are very glad when it says, go nuclear, and it's like loudness and increased volume and bad words and anger and rage and an outburst, because you're like, yes, that's not me. I don't do that kind of stuff. No, you go nuclear, submarine style. That's what you do, right? Some of you, you see the conflict coming. You know how to avoid it. There's a situation coming. You know how to ignore it? See, you go under the ice, where it's dark, where it's deep, dive, dive. Captain, we're diving. Captain, yes, and you go deep, and we don't even know when you're going to surface again, because your anger, it just bruised down there. And we don't know when we're even going to be able to talk. I mean, it's like The Hunt for Red October with some of you when it comes to conflict. And I mean, what is this September 8? Yeah. I mean, it might be till October till we really get to some openness and resolution, right? So, see, there's a way that we can all get where we are out of control. We are saying things we shouldn't say to someone we would say we love, and we're not even talking. We're giving the silent treatment to someone we've committed the rest of our life to, someone that we begged God for, and God blessed us with this person, and now we don't even want to talk to them. Why? Because all we're seeing is their evil. And at this point, we can't even see that our own response is evil as well, and we are repaying evil for evil.
So, this idea, do not repay evil for evil, this is one of the practical commands given to Christian people. This is something you're supposed to know, and you're supposed to think about. Let me just have you in between the stairs there, write down 1 Thessalonians 5:15, okay, because this is another verse that says the exact same thing to another church. Or how about when Peter says it in 1 Peter 3:9. So not only did Paul teach this, Peter taught this. They understood there will be conflict. Like there will be evil that comes to you, and how are you going to respond when the evil comes? Because if you get fixated on their evil, and you want to really try to prove to them their evil, and you start getting angry or silent and you think it's okay because of what they did. No, we can't get into this whole payback. Settle the score. Try to make it right, kind of thing. Okay, God is the one who pays back evil. Can I get an amen from anybody on that?
I really hope you'll come back next week where God is going to tell all of us, “Vengeance is mine. I will repay, says the Lord.” I don't have to make it right. God is going to make everything right, okay? And in fact, Romans 2:6 says, “God will pay back each person according to what he has done.” So, this idea, they've paid me something, they've done something or said something to me, I need to pay them back. We're all supposed to think through this kind of situation, and we're supposed to already be prepared for a different way to respond. And I'm just trying to tell you, after being a pastor here in ten years, I can tell that many of us haven't thought this through enough. And so, I think this is actually a very timely message for our tenth birthday, to go into the counseling room together and say, hey, when somebody says something to you that hurts, you don't be surprised, like you didn't know that was going to happen. That's going to happen. So how are you going to respond when it happens?
Turn with me to Matthew chapter 7. Matthew 7:1-5 is probably one of the most repeated passages in the counseling that I've been a part of these last ten years. Matthew chapter 7, verses 1 to 5, is Jesus in the middle of his famous Sermon on the Mount. And Jesus says in Matthew 7, verse 1, “Judge not that you be not judged, for with the judgment you pronounce, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” And so, verse number three of Matthew 7, “Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?” Or how can you say to your brother, let me take the speck out of your eye when there is the log in your own eye, you hypocrite. Jesus calls us to first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye. Anybody here ever brought a log to a speck fight? Anybody ever done that before? See, the first step if there's evil being done to you, is to ask, have I done or said anything that could have provoked this person to be evil towards me in that way? See this, I just want to be honest with you about myself, like sometimes I really feel like I can see what the other person did so clearly, but it's almost like I'm blind to see the evil in myself, and so I have to really believe what Jesus says here. I have to really take what Jesus says to heart. I have to ask, is there something I'm not seeing about myself? Perhaps I'm viewing the situation completely wrong. And you know what? There have been times in my life where I was so convinced that the other person had done evil to me, and I let them know what I thought about the evil they did to me, only to realize later on when God humbled me and helped me see that I was the one who actually provoked them. I had started it, and here I was thinking it was okay for me to pay back because I said they started it, when really it was me. And What a fool I felt like I was before God and my wife or my kids, when I was over here, acting like I was right, when I was so wrong, and I couldn't see it.
Have you learned how to take the log out of your eye? Have you learned how to see your sin as greater than the other person's sin? Have you been able to look in the mirror? Sometimes I've just had to beg God, God, I'm not seeing it right now. I think I'm right and this person, I can tell is really hurt. So, what did I do? What did I say? God help me to see the log is blocking my view because I'm ready to go be like an l optometrist in their eye. But I can't even barely see anything with me. So, let me examine my own heart and see if I'm being evil in this situation. See, you can't have a good argument if somebody's ready to say, I'm sorry. You can't have a good argument if you're throwing yourself under the bus, the conflict can't escalate. And continue when you start wondering, is this my fault, and is there any way that I need to apologize or repent or change how I'm thinking here? So, I hope that you can hear that when you're accusing someone else of evil, when you have done evil yourself. Jesus is saying, you hypocrite. Look at the log in your own eye. And a lot of our conflict, yeah, maybe they did do something wrong. But did you do something wrong? That's what you are responsible for, is yourself. Take the log out of your own eye.
Go with me to 1 Peter 4:8. 1 Peter chapter 4, verse 8, I have found also to be extremely helpful, because once I get this log out of my own eye, now I want to really think about the other person, maybe now I could see them for who they are, rather than just the evil that they did to me. And so, 1 Peter 4:8 says, “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly. Love one another with passion. Since love covers…,” what does it say there everybody? Love covers a what? Like many sins can be covered up by love. Another way you could say that verse is love overlooks an offense. Okay? So, if I can get the log out of my own eye, maybe now, instead of just seeing evil, I can actually see this person. I can actually see them for who they are.
Let's get that now for number two here on our de escalation stares as one. We want to take the log out of your own eye, too. We want to “See the other person as a soul.” I want to see who this person is. I don't want to just see the evil they did to me. I want to actually consider them. And I have had many meetings where people are frustrated. People have had enough. People are upset that this other person, they're trying to control me. They're trying to tell me what to do. They're trying to overcome my will and subdue me. And I need counsel. I need help. I don't know what to do because they keep telling me all these different things that are overwhelming to me. And I've just had it up to here with this other person, my spouse, my parent, my child, my coworker, I just can't handle my boss saying this to me anymore. What should I do about it? They're asking me, and a lot of times, I try to listen to what people are saying. See, that's something that happens in conflict is you stop listening and you just start thinking of what you're going to say next. So, I try to learn how to really hear people. Sometimes I take notes on what people are saying to make sure I'm hearing them right. And a lot of times when I can tell that people are very frustrated with what another person is doing, and it feels overwhelming to them all the evil that this person is doing, I'll just ask them this very straightforward question, hey, this other person that you're telling me about, has that person believed in Jesus and been saved? Has that person repented of their sins, and have they experienced the power of the gospel to be dead to sin? Do they have a new life in Jesus? And guess what? A lot of times the answer is, no. Okay, then let's think this through. You're telling me that the person that you're talking to is a blind person, that the god of this age, Satan himself, has blinded the minds of the unbelievers. Are you expecting a blind person to see what they should be doing? Maybe the reason you're so frustrated and overwhelmed is you have the wrong expectations. People who don't believe in Jesus are not going to live to obey the commands of Jesus, and so, sometimes we're running around like morality police, like you should do this because it is right. Well, the main reason people do evil is because the evil is in their heart, and unless Jesus saves them, unless Jesus gives them a new heart, unless God puts his Spirit in them, that's going to cause them to walk in his ways and be careful to obey his commands. Should we expect evil people to do evil to us? The answer to that is… And see, once I see that person as blind, all of a sudden I don't feel mad at them. I feel compassion for them. Now I'm not getting angry at them. Now I realize I want to be kind to the blind, because how rude to go up to a blind person and expect them to be able to see or to act like they should see, or what's their problem that they can't see? No, the thing I want to bring to a blind person is the glorious light of the gospel of Jesus that could open their eyes once and for all. And so if you've got somebody in your life and they keep doing evil towards you and you're getting frustrated, should you instead be praying for their salvation? Should you be looking at them for who they really are, as a soul made in the image of God, but they have been corrupted by sin, they are evil to their core, and they need God to give them a new heart and to put his Spirit within them. And until that happens, of course, they're going to do evil, so I'm going to be patient with them, I'm going to bear with them, and I'm going to ask God to save them. I'm not going to get angry at them. I'm not going to get into evil with them. I'm going to beg God for them. And you know what I found over ten years of meeting with people here in Huntington Beach is oftentimes we say the worst things to the people we would say we love the most. Like a lot of times, the person that you're getting so angry at is your spouse that you've committed to love before God and witnesses for the rest of your days. There are people in this room that have begged God to give them children. And when you were pregnant with that child, you begged God for their health. And when God gave you that child, and he answered your prayers, you rejoiced. You called everyone to rejoice. You were glad, and now you are so angry at that gift that God gave you. But that's your kid, you love them. Why are you saying that to them? People in this room say things to their families that you wouldn't say to other people in this room at church, people who are strangers.
You would never even talk to a stranger that way, but yet you say that to the people you love. Out of your same mouth comes both blessings and curses. See, this is something we need to find. Why are we okay with saying hurtful things to our beloved family? We’ve got to really rethink that. This is my spouse. I said I would die for them. I said, until death do us part. This is my kid. See one of the things that I'm able to see as someone who's coming in and trying to hear both sides of the story, as someone who's coming in as a neutral observer, one of the things that I can see is we're all taking it so personally. We're all getting so hurt. But really, the reason your child let me just talk to the dads for a second, dads, the reason your kid doesn't obey you is because your kid doesn't obey anybody. Your kid doesn't obey God. And so, here you are acting like, why won't you obey my rules? Why won't you obey what I say? Hey, Dad, it's not about you. No, no, Dad. Actually, the reason you're there is because your child needs help. Your child needs to be saved. Your child needs to learn the way of obedience, and you can't be so caught up in taking your kids disrespect personally. You need to actually help your child see that they're disobeying God, and they're going to stand before God on a day of judgment, and they can't keep doing that, not because of you and what you said, but because of God and what he said.
See, so many spouses are like, I'm so hurt, but your spouse, they have that problem of sin, and they would have that problem of sin, no matter where they were or who they were with, because that problem is in their heart, and here you are acting like, why are they doing this to me? No, that's just what they do. So, can you see that this isn't about how it's affecting you? It's about them, and you need to love them. You need to consider it from their perspective. Don't get this tunnel vision where you're so angry with them, you have to prove you're right and you make it about yourself. What's going on with them, that they're lashing out in that way? What's going on in their heart, that they would even say something like that to you? Maybe it's not about you. Maybe you need to come alongside of them and show them you care about them. Maybe what they need is a hug and then I love you, not a response of evil for evil. We’ve got to really take the log out of our eye so I can see who am I talking to here? Is this someone who needs to be saved? Is this someone I love? Because here's how I want you to leave here free today. Here's how I want you to leave here unburdened. When they say that hurtful thing to you, you don't have to say anything back. You don't even have to make it a big deal. In fact, you don't have to do anything. You could literally have that person sin against you and in your love, you could cover that sin over. In fact, even if they repeatedly sinned against you, love covers a multitude of sins.
It is godly to not be offended, and to overlook that offense. You could just decide, in your heart, I'm going to love them. I'm going to love them in the same way that God loved me, and God, he forgave all of my sins. God sent his Son Jesus to pay all of my debt. God doesn't see me for all the evil I've done, God has declared me righteous in heaven, and so I'm going to think vertically. How has God treated me? And I'm just going to love them, not in the way that they've treated me, but because of how God has treated me. You could be wronged, and you can just love back. That could be very freeing for you. You don't have to point it out, you don't have to make it a big drama. You can just love that person.
Now, here are your two options. One option is to love them and cover it up and overlook the offense. The other option is, no, what they did is really wrong, and the loving thing to do would be to come alongside of them and seek to restore them to what is right. It says in Galatians 6:1 like, I need to go seek to restore that person. Or I need to go correct them, like a parent. In Ephesians 6:4, or maybe like Matthew 18:15, like it's a brother or sister in Christ. I need to go win my brother. So, these are your two options. You can either overlook it in love and let love cover a multitude of sins, or you can go and talk about it in love, the kind of love where you're praying about it, you're looking to yourself to make sure you're not a hypocrite, and you're speaking in a kind and gracious way, where your goal is really not just to pay them back for evil, but to really encourage them towards doing what is right. So, those are your two options. But here's what happens a lot of times in a lot of our conflict, you don't overlook it, and you don't go and talk about it with them, and you just start to brew a bitter stew in your soul, and you just let this resentment marinate right there. You just got a crock pot of anger that is now brewing. And you know what happens? The sun sets and it goes down on that anger. And you know what you just did? You gave the devil a place in your household. You gave a devil a place in your workplace, you gave the devil a place right here in your fellowship group, because you didn't overlook it in love and you didn't go talk to them about it. You just stayed angry about it. That's not what you're supposed to do, but that's what many do, and that is a really bad stew. You don't want to drink that bitter stew. You don't want that brewing inside of you. Like, some of you, you might be in a conflict as you came here today, overlook that offense or go talk to that person. The thing you can't do is stew in the middle. That will destroy you. It will eat away at you. I've seen many people like when you can bring up something that happened years ago, it's been stewing that whole time, and you’ve got to let that go. You’ve got to overlook that, or you’ve got to go pray about how to talk to them about it. You cannot stay there.
See, I’m talking to some people in this room right now. Which one are you going to do? Are you going to cover it over? Are you going to go speak to them? Either way, as a loving response. But you just stew and audit in your soul; that's not love. Okay, now go with me to Proverbs 15:1. Here's a very helpful verse that I want to introduce you to. And if you know proverbs 15:1, I'm happy to remind you of it, because you have to be prepared for conflict. Conflict comes in the heat of the moment, and you’ve got to be ready ahead of time, got to already know how you're going to respond. You’ve got to already start taking responsibility for what you're going to do. And it says here in Proverbs 15:1. Hopefully you can find it there with me in this book of Wisdom, look what it says. Proverbs 15:1, “A soft answer turns away...” What everybody? Okay. Sometimes it's translated “A gentle answer.”
So let's get that for number three, on our steps of de-escalation: “Give a gentle answer.” Okay. Here's the thing. When they come in intense and they come in raised voice, or they come in, however it is. See, there's a lot that you can communicate with your eye contact, with the posture of your body, with the tone of your voice. You don't have to match fire with fire. You don't have to match ice with ice. Okay? You don't have to get caught up. We don't have to arm up. We don't have to go nuclear. This isn't World War three. We don't have to do that. If you can just speak a kind word in response, you can disarm the situation. It's amazing. It's amazing to see the gentle answer in action. It takes two people to have an argument. It takes two willing participants to have a fight, really. It takes two people who both think they're right to keep going, and if one person just wants to say, wow, I'm so sorry. I hadn't really thought about that before. Wow. I really want to hear what you're saying, because I can tell you're upset. Wow, thank you for sharing that with me, because I was not aware that you felt that way, a kind answer. It can diffuse the situation before the bomb goes off, and see then we don't have two problems. Maybe now we could actually address the original problem. And someone could just go do the dishes, or someone could just go say, I'm sorry. It doesn't have to become this big conflict. And look what it says in the second half of the verse, “but a harsh word stirs up…” what? Just the tone of your voice, just a sarcasm in your response. I mean, husbands, you can't talk to your wives the same way you would talk to a brother. Dads, you can't you're bigger, stronger, many times, much more powerful than your kids. You can't talk to them like boom, kid, you got to show your child you love them. You care for them. Your tone of voice, your disposition, your body language, is communicating a lot. And when you roll your eyes, when you don't make that eye contact, when you look away, when you clench up, here we go again. All of that is setting us towards escalation. But when you look them in the eye and say, Oh, wow. I'm just now hearing this. I didn't realize that. Please forgive me. Or, wow, let me think about that. Oh, wow. And see, here's what will happen if some of you go home now and you give a gentle answer, a kind answer, this soft response, if that's what you do, watch what will happen you're the other person. Will be like, oh, so you're going to apply the sermon now? Oh, okay, I see how it is. Watch like sometimes you give this soft answer, and it'll almost exposed their anger, and they'll almost double down on it like I've seen this. I've seen people repent of anger over the last ten years. I've seen people confess their sins and we prayed that they would turn from their sins. And all of a sudden, dad wasn't mad all the time anymore, and it completely freaked his wife out. She didn't know what to do. She was so used to mad Dad. What do you do? Dad's saying all these kind words. Dad's wanting to read the Bible with the kids. Dad's over here asking people how their day's going, like they're not a problem to him, and poor moms over here like what happened to dad? We've been blazing these trails. We've been in these ruts of argumentation for our entire marriage. I don't even know how to relate to you now. You nice person. What got into you? Right? That's what will happen with some of you. And it'll be beautiful. It'll be like we start to learn a whole new way to live, a way to live where we don't have to escalate every conflict and evil can stop right where it shows up, because I'm given a gentle answer. See, conflict is coming, evil is coming, and when it comes, are you going to be ready to give that soft word in response? You’ve got to prepare your heart now for this conflict. And let me just say, if your life has been defined by this conflict, hear what the Word of the Lord is saying to you today. Hear this new way to think. Repay no one evil for evil. We are living in an evil day. You don't have to get caught up in it. And I hope some of you can go home free and not burdened by the evil all around you. You don't have to play a part in it.
But go back to Romans chapter 12, because it has more to say to us. There are three different phrases here in these two verses. That was just the first one, repaying no one evil for evil. I want to really think that through, because by the time people end up in the marriage counseling, family counseling, we need to reconcile a relationship here at church or a family relationship kind of counseling. Usually, the reason we're there is we don't have one problem. We have multiple problems because we've done evil for evil. If you could just learn not to respond with evil that will help so much of the conflict in your life. But then it says this. It says, give thought to what is honorable to do, what. Is honorable in the sight of all? So, this idea of giving thought, I've heard it translated like, make plans to do what is honorable. I've heard it say, like, provide what is honorable, just like a father would provide for his household. So, a man would make plans of how he's going to go to work to provide for his family. It's like, hey, think through. How are you going to do what is good? So, in the Greek it's very clear, the word for evil and then the word for good. Evil is ugly. Good is beautiful. Evil is wrong. Good is right. So, you're already thinking, you already know there's going to be conflict. When we get home today, there's going to be conflict on a Monday morning, there's going to be conflict. When I see this person in this place, in this space, there's going to be that conflict. And I'm already giving thought, how am I going to do what is right? How am I going to do what is good and true? My mind is already being renewed for future scenarios that I know are coming and I want to do the honorable thing, the right thing. Now, here's what it says. Look at it. Look at it carefully. I want to give thought to do what is honorable. And then it says, this interesting “in the sight of…” who, everybody? Okay, so it's not me just doing what I think is right. It's doing what would be recognized by everybody as right. I'm not still in my tunnel vision. I'm not still trying to prove myself right. That's the thought of conflict. That's the thought of arguing. No, now I want to do what is right that the other person could see it's right, that anybody could see that it's right.
Go over to 2 Corinthians. It's just a few pages over to the right. 2 Corinthians 8:21 is another place that Paul says this same thing, and we can learn from the context here in 2 Corinthians 8:21, what does it mean to do what is honorable or good in the sight of all. That's what it says here. 2 Corinthians 8:21, for we aim our goal. We're giving thought. We're making plans. We aim at what is honorable. Now look at this, “what is honorable, not only in the Lord's sight, but also in the sight of man.” Interesting statement there, because we know that Paul has said that he does not live to please people. He lives to please the Lord Jesus Christ. Can I get an amen from anybody on that? So, we're not being people pleasers. We're not just doing it because it's what somebody else wants us to do. But when we are living to please the Lord, and we are living to do what is good in the sight of the Lord, there is still a way to think where I consider what is right in everybody's sight. So, I do consider on some level what other people would think is good and true, and that factors into what I do. I can't just say, well, who cares what people think? I know I'm doing what is right. No, God cares what people think, and I have to consider what is honorable in the sight of all. So, I've got this conflict, I've got this argument, I've got this situation with this person where there's a lot of tension and I'm sure that I'm right. Well, are you sure that you're right in everybody's sight, or are you just right in your own sight? And are you willing to maybe ask somebody else or think it through in a more objective way, rather than your own just subjective feeling and emotions? Are you able to step outside of it, and think about objectively, what would anybody do. You need to go ask a pastor about it, or ask your fellowship group leader about it, or this Christian that you think is mature, that you see it as an example? Hey, I’ve got into this kind of situation. What do you think is the right thing to do in that situation? Are you open to asking other people, or are you just convinced you're right, and who cares about anybody else? The Scripture is telling you, “give thought to what is honorable in the sight of all” and look what Paul is being asked to do here.
Go back to Romans 12:16, here in 2 Corinthians, chapter 8. “But thanks be to God who put it into the heart of Titus, the same earnest care I have for you, for he not only accepted our appeal, but being himself very earnest, Titus, he's going to you of his own accord. With him. Now, along with Titus, we are sending the brother who is famous among all the churches for his preaching of the gospel, and not only that, he has been appointed by the churches to travel with us as we carry out this act of grace that is being ministered by us for the glory of the Lord himself, and to show our good will. We take this course so that no one should blame us about this generous gift that is being administered by us.” Paul has this idea he's really excited about it. He's going to go to all the churches in Macedonia, the churches he planted, even churches he didn't personally plant, but he knows about them and the people who planted them. And he's going to collect a whole bunch of money, and he's going to take it back to the original church in Jerusalem and give it there to help those people in the city of Jerusalem. We know that sometimes it was hard to meet the needs of all the people in Jerusalem. So, what if we take all the churches where people have gotten saved, and we go back to the original church and we give them this gift, this love offering. This is Paul's idea. Now, does Paul know that when they collect the money from all these churches, he's not going to steal it, but he's going to take it to Jerusalem. Does Titus seem like a guy? There's a whole book of the Bible written to Titus. Does Titus seem like a guy, that if Titus is there and Paul is there, is that probably enough to know that it's right? But in verse 18, we don't even know who this person is, somebody who is famous for preaching the gospel. The churches have said, yeah, Paul, we'll give you money. We'll give it to you and Titus, but we want this guy to go with you. They're saying this to the apostle Paul, which, by the way, it's always a good idea to have many people there when you're dealing with money at church. I think that's a great principle. Don't have anybody by themselves with the money. Have multiple people just for accountability, so it can seem what is right in everyone's sight. And so, is Paul offended that people are acting like he and Titus need a chaperone to take the money to Jerusalem? Or is Paul like, no, that's great. Let's have that guy go with us. I look forward to it because I don't care about doing what is right in my own sight. I want to do what's right in God's sight, and I want to do what's right in the sight of all men. Do you have that same care?
Let's get this down for number two: “Consider what is right not just in your sight.” Maybe you need an outside perspective. Consider what is right not just in your sight. Don't just sit there thinking I'm right, I'm right, I'm right. Have you asked anybody if you're right, have you considered counsel if you're right? Have you asked the Lord to show you if you're right? Would it be helpful in your particular conflict to bring in somebody else to help you see what is good and right, what is the will of God in that situation? I meet brothers and sisters here at the church who want to act like as long as they know it's right, who cares what anybody else thinks? Romans 12:17 is saying you should care what other people think, and you should do what is good in the sight of all people. So now I'm not just over here convinced I'm right. I'm actually considering what is right. I want to encourage you, according to Romans 12:17, to think that way and then go back, because the third phrase here in verse 18, maybe you've heard this one before. This is a very important verse Romans 12:18, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with…” who does it say there, everybody? Okay. So does everybody observe with me that both verse 17 and verse 18 end with the same word, and the word is so I'm trying to consider how I respond to everyone, and I want to be at peace, if possible.
As much as it depends on me, I want to be at peace with all people. I don't want any simmering conflicts. I don't want any ongoing arguments. Jesus said very clearly, “Blessed are the peacemakers,” and so, I want to be one of the people that makes for peace. And so today you need to consider, as we celebrate Jesus building his church, is there somebody, some relationship here at church, in your family, in your neighborhood, is there somebody that you need to give an effort to make peace with? Now I understand if they don't want to talk to you. What can you do about it if they don't want to meet face to face and try to resolve it with you? Okay, but have you done what you can do to be at peace. Is peace the sincere desire of your heart? Is peace your prayer to the Lord for that person? Maybe some of us need to examine ourselves, and we need to realize, wow, I'm okay with having distance with this person. I'm okay with having a hostility towards this person. I'm okay. There was evil between us, and it hasn't been resolved, and I've come to accept that. Let me just tell you what the Word says, “If possible, as much as it depends on you, be at peace with all.” Live peaceably with all. We are here to be at peace, and the reason that we can be at peace is because God has made peace with us through his Son, Jesus. We were far off, and now we have been brought near through the blood of Jesus dying for us on the cross. Our sins have been paid for, and there's no hostility between us and God. We have peace with God. Can I get an amen from does anybody here?
Believe in Christmas, right? Because when, when there was good news of great joy for all the people that there has been born a savior. He is Christ. He is the Lord. What did the multitude of the heavenly host, the Angel army, shows up like a choir, and they say, “Glory to God in the highest and…” what on earth? Peace among those whom he is pleased. The Christian people are meant to bring peace. We're not meant to bring conflict. We're supposed to live peaceably with all people, people who think radically differently than you. Are you at peace with them? You're not at peace because you feel a sense of peace with them. No, at peace with them because, you know peace with God, okay? Because here's the thing that happened to me. I found out that the reason I had conflict in my relationships was that all my relationships had a common denominator, and the evil I was experiencing my relationships, it all came from a source, me. I was my biggest problem, and I saw what a wretch I was, a sinner before a holy God, an enemy of the gospel of Jesus. I saw that I was ungodly, and God, through the conviction of his Spirit, I turned myself in to God, and I confessed my sins, and I asked God to forgive me. And when I admitted I was wrong, guess what God did? He declared me right. He didn't pay me back. He didn't judge me according to what I have done. No, when I confessed my sin to the Lord, he forgave me for all of it, because Jesus had already paid it in full. And if God has declared me righteous in his heavenly throne room, I don't need to be arguing that I'm right in my living room, because I have peace with God. And if other people think I'm wrong and if other people are coming at me, well, you know what those other people, I hope that they get to know the peace that I know with God, because that's where my peace comes from.
If you're looking for a world where everybody treats you right, and everybody shows you the respect you deserve, and everybody is good to you, you're going to be sorely disappointed with the world you live in. But if you have peace with God, you can pass that peace on to other people, and you can live peaceably with all. So, some of you, you need to consider that estranged relationship, and you need to ask yourself, am I treating this person the way that God treated me when he made peace with me, or am I still trying to prove that I'm right to this person?
Let's get this down for point number three here: “You don't need to prove yourself right if Jesus made you right.” You don't need to prove yourself right if Jesus made you right. You know, I've been thinking about this verse a lot this week, and I've been thinking about this idea of peace. You know, Jesus said, “Peace, I leave with you. Peace I give to you, not as the world gives peace.” The world's idea of peace is a fake peace. It's not real peace. The world defines peace as the absence of conflict. Find a place where there's no conflict, then you'll have peace. God says that peace is the resolution of conflict. God says the evil comes from our hearts, and when God gives us a new heart, and God puts his Spirit within us, then the conflict is resolved, and now we can have the fruit of the Spirit that is peace. And so, I've been thinking about this, how it says “If possible.”
And I was reading Romans, 12:18 in the Greek language, and I saw the word for possible is the word dunati, which is like an adjective, and there's the verb form and the noun form. Maybe you know this Greek word dunamos, because in Romans 1:16 it says, “I'm not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the…” what everybody? “The power of God.” So really, what this is saying is, if you have the power, if you have the ability, then you should go and be at peace. And so, if there's a way that you could be at peace with someone, you should go do it. That's the practical instruction. But let me tell you what I've learned after ten years here in Huntington Beach, that when people come in for marriage counseling, when people come in for family counseling, when they come in to resolve a conflict here at the church, not all of the people that I have met with are capable of having peace. They're not able. They don't have the power to make peace. There was a couple I was meeting with not too long ago, and this couple, they knew how to argue. They knew how to raise their voices. They knew how to get loud. In fact, they weren't just doing this recently. They've been doing this since they got married, and now here they are in my office, and I offer rocket science suggestions like, hey, when you guys start yelling at each other and you get really angry, why don't you walk away? I just so appreciated what this man said to me. I so appreciated his honesty. I found it to be refreshing to my soul, because this man looked at me and he said, I can't walk away. I'm not able to walk away when I'm angry like that. I'll follow her to another room. I'll follow her outside of the house. I'm angry. I have to make myself heard. I'm not able to walk away. I said, well, I'm so happy, I'm so glad you were honest like that. Let's go to Galatians 5:19-24, and let me just share with you the verse that I shared with him on that day in the counseling room. We opened up the Bible together, and I said, well, based on what you just said, can I please read this to you? This is Galatians chapter 5, verses 19 to 24, and it describes two different ways of life, the deeds of the flesh and the fruit of the Spirit. This passage has helped some people in Huntington Beach in the last decade.
Now the works of the flesh are evident. You can actually see what the flesh looks like, “sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery.” Look at this, “enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control, against such things. There is no law, and those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit.” And God was able to open that guy's eyes, and he was able to see that these two ways. It's not just, try to do less of the flesh stuff and try to do more of the Spirit stuff. No, it's either like you're still in the flesh or you're in the Spirit. And even though he had thought of himself as a Christian for many years, and even though his parents taught him the way of Jesus, this grown man was willing to say to me in my office that if I can't control my fits of anger and if I always have division in my wife, maybe that means I'm still In the flesh, maybe I'm not able to have peace.
See, this is the actual surprise that I've seen in many counseling situations where they thought I was going to straighten their spouse out, straighten their kids out, straighten the other person out, and then all of a sudden they realized that the source of the conflict was within them. And some people, when they realize that they're the problem, they harden their heart, and they don't want to talk about it. And then some people are willing to say, I don't have the power that I need. I'm not able because I don't have peace inside of me. That's the problem. What's happening inside of me. I can't be at peace with them, because I'm not at peace myself. I don't have peace between me and God. And I'll tell you what can I tell you what's beautiful? Can I tell you what's good is to see a man turn himself in, is to see a man completely own it, and say, wow, if that's what the Scripture says, then that must be who I am. And see a man who will go tell his wife that he's sorry and go tell his kids he's been a bad example. And we'll start to have a gentle answer towards his wife. He'll start to see his wife for who she is and start praying for his wife. He'll start to think of how Jesus has loved him and start to love his wife in that same way. In fact, he wants to go on a walk with his wife. In fact, he wants to take his wife on a date. In fact, what if we could go on so many dates to make up for all the years that we were angry at one another? What if instead, we could have a time of peace. But it didn't come from winning the argument. It came from saying, I'm not able. I don't have the power. It's not possible for me.
I wonder if there's anybody here today that is willing to realize the common denominator and all your conflicts is you, and that maybe the reason you don't experience peace isn't because of these other people, but it's because you need peace with God through his Son, Jesus Christ. Colossians, chapter 3, verse 15. You could write that down under point number three. Colossians 3:15, “And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts.” Let the peace of Christ govern your hearts. Let the peace of Christ that exists in your hearts dictate your response. Because if you have the peace of Jesus, you have the power to give a kind response, if you have the peace of Jesus, then you are able to make peace with others, because Jesus already made peace with you. And so I want to ask, are you able to live peaceably with all because you have peace with God yourself? So let me pray for us right now about this.
Father in heaven. Thank you for ten years of Jesus building his church. But father, you know. You remember all those meetings. You know what was said. Father, you know all the conflict that has existed in this church, in the homes, in the extended families, in the workplaces and neighborhoods even. Father, you have seen the conflict that has happened between people at church, people that cannot get along with one another, people that have to respond to evil with evil. Relationships where there is no peace. Father, I pray that right now, today, you could open people's eyes to see that the problem is within me, that they need to be crucified to their flesh. In Christ, they need a new life, a new heart, that you can give them your spirit, that you can put within them, and then they could be at peace with you, that if they declared themselves wrong before you and put their trust in Jesus, you would declare them righteous in heaven by faith, by your grace, that they don't need to pay other people back, because Jesus already paid it in full. And so, Father, I pray for these verses, Romans 12:17:18, that it would be practical help for all of us in our conflict. But I specifically pray, Father, for those who will always have conflict because they don't have your peace, I pray that today could be a day of salvation, that maybe all of that conflict could lead to a beautiful day where they take the log out of their own eye, and they see that The problem is within, and they turn themselves in, and they go and say they're sorry, and they start speaking in a kind way, and they start opening up. Father, that's the power of the gospel of Jesus Christ, that it's your power to save us from who we are, so that we would have an ability to live and walk in a new way. And so, Father, we ask that today would be a day of salvation, that today would be a day where the conflict ends, and the day of peace begins. Father, we know that you make everything beautiful in your time, and that in ten years, you've done a good work here in Huntington Beach. Father, I pray that even today, a time of conflict could turn into a time of peace. So, Father, we ask that you would do a mighty work to save and that you would get all the glory, all the praise, all the honor for those you have saved over the last ten years. Thank you, Father, for making everything beautiful in your time. We pray this in Jesus’ name. Amen.